I know what is right for me, I know what is true for me, and the root of it, at the heart of it, is for the well-being of every every human-being on this planet for their happiness, for their joy, for their fulfillments. My frustration and my anxiety is two-fold, two-pronged. The most fundamental that is driving the deepest seated part of my anxiety is the doubt about what I see about what is right for me because so many people see it differently and with my anxiety also rooted in worry about not being what I'm supposed to be, about not being what is absolutely right, all the people on the opposite side makes me afraid that I am failing, I am short of what I am expected to be, I am failing the judge that decides if I am worthy as a human-being. The other prong what is closer to the surface, to my engagement with the universe around me is I see my truth as an obvious path for happiness and that others choose paths of division, that they don't see what we've been taught. I don't understand the apparent contradiction, what I see as a contradiction between the love of Christ and what it means as as a universal way of being versus the us vs. them mentality. They don't see love of Christ is love of everyone and there's a no distinction between love of family and love of all.

A Break Through

I am afraid of having done the wrong thing, of not doing the right thing, of not being the way I'm supposed to be, of not being able to figure what the right way to be is.  Do I feel like it means I'm a failure as a person if I make the wrong choices? I'm afraid of making choices I think are right that are really wrong and that if I make a wrong choice it is then too late to go back and reverse it meaning that I am not what I should be. It's taken me a long time to decipher and conclude this is a driving force behind my anxieties.

I think I got to a place where I could accept that my decisions are all okay, that there is nothing wrong with them, that they are who I am, and this is okay, it is good. And that has made me happier, but it's really a way of avoiding the fear.

So, there's something there that is a judge of my worthiness that determines if I have acted right or wrong, if I act as I'm supposed to, if I am what I'm supposed to be to be considered acceptable as a person as a human being. Is it a decision of if I go to heaven or hell? This notion is so ingrained in me that I don't accept it explicitly, but rather wholly on an emotional level. I don't want to say it is reality from a rational intellectual regard. I feel aversion to that, like if I tell myself of course that's absurd, but then I overwhelming feel the sense of but what if I'm wrong since it's there so strongly, emotionally. I want the truth to be that it's a fallacy, but I'm afraid of accepting that and it turning out to be false even though there is no concrete evidence. I'm afraid of it turning out to be that I'm not deserving of or worthy of being loved, that I'm not worthy of being accepted by others, that others won't want me to be apart of their lives or that I'm not worthy to be a part of their lives because I'm not who or what I'm supposed to be.

I can see clearly that this is what drove my anxiety in high school and fear of others.

The game is lost.

The clock has turned its back.

The songs give hope

As they always have.

Peace Comes Only by Relinguishing Ones Own Importance

There is calm, there is peace inside me. I can only sense it; I don't even really feel it. It is not something that is explainable. It is an understanding that I am starting to understand like an infant. But, I cannot gain more understanding by trying to understand. It can only come by giving up the importance of myself.

Amen.

Players

Judas, Pilate, Herod. Betrays Jesus; As a puppet, executes Jesus; Refuses to take responsibility for Jesus. All instruments.

Once Again

And, so...once again..., it's always once again. Why is it always once again? We go through cycles. It's comfortable to do things familiar.Maybe that's why thunderstorms are comfortable. I grew up with them. They're so soothing, especially at night. I always feel protected hearing the rain beating down so heavily.

The waters rise above the floor while I remain snug and warm in my room, on the inside in a protective cocoonon. On the outside a sea dragon slithers and swims about, lurking like a giant serpent waiting for the opportunity to snatch an unwary prey.

When all is said and done, like always, the rains will retreat, the sun will return, the dragon will disappear as if a figment of my imagination. But, we all know that it is not a dream because the frightful things never rests in our imaginations but goes on forever seeking it's prey within our sanity. It is our sanity that is truly the thing that is imaginary. Our sanity is measured against one another. Thus, it is a relative thing that exists only because what we have come to believe is sanity is that way which is the most common way of being.

Adieu

Evil

Evil lurks from deep within like a black serpent just beneath the surface of a calm, dark undulating sea.

I Can Find Peace in Knowing that I Live to Assist the Needs of Others

So, I've come to believe that no one person's actions are right or wrong. They are just choices they make that support what they value. Their choices may cause harm and suffering among other people, but those are the choices they make and the result is simple just less peace and harmony. Making such choices doesn't make them a bad person or an unworthy person or any less holy than any of the rest of us. They are just choices that cause suffering.

I grew up with a strong sense that I am supposed to behave a certain way because that is the right way to behave. I had a lonely childhood and clung heavily to the right way to be so people wouldn't reject me. I was terrified of being rejected (and to a certain extent, I still am today). This was so much so, that I was terrified to express myself lest that expression be rejected, and so I was very shy.

I have now begun to let go of living to be right to protect myself from rejection and have chosen to live for love because I know that love can bring about the most peace for myself because it brings about peace for others. I firmly believe that this love I am talking about means to have the desire for the needs of others be met. For the past year or so, that is the face I have been putting on. It is a good face, but today I have realized it is just a face. I am glad that I have been behaving in a loving matter, but that is not truly where I am. I seek peace for myself, but I do not have a true sense of desiring that the needs of others be met, at least not in a general sense. I only have the desire when I have made commitments or when a desire of my own is fulfilled by behaving that way.

I do want to be in the place where I desire the needs of others to be met. I believe I only need to choose that path. But, I am away from it and need to find it; I need to constantly remind myself that is where I wish to be. But, I know in my heart that I do not desire that the needs of others be met. If I truly desired it, I would take action to help people have their needs met, and I do not act that way very much. I certainly do not wish that people's needs are not met, but I don't act for them or don't act very strongly. The conclusion is that I am a sinner. Sin is the action of undermining love. I am a sinner because I do not desire that the needs of others are met.

I now feel wounded saying that. But, that is the "devil" inside me wanting me to be what I am supposed to be and not me wanting to be who I am. What am I? I am someone who finds joy when others meet their accomplishments, when I lead them to meet their goals. I can find peace in knowing that I live to assist the needs of others.

Amen.

Things I Like and Dislike

I like music, listening to it and making it, being there when my family needs me, theatre, being involved in the production and seeing it, spiritual philosophy, organizing things. I'm not necessarily good at any of these things, but they float my boat and are apart of what makes me who I am.

I dislike impatient people, though I can be impatient, things that aren't what they seem, the unexpected, surprises, people not understanding me, though I think I could do better in trying to understand others more than trying to be understood.

Mission

I am still grabbing for something that is not there. I am trying to go deep within to find my true nature. But, all I need to do is raise my ahead above the crowd, disconnect and see the universe without myself in it, know that I am distinct from the universe, know that I am free to act independently from the way that I think the universe expects me to act. There is great freedom there, great joy, great passion, great fulfillment, oneness with the universe.

My mission. What is my mission?

From Covey:
Vision & Principle: What am I about? How do I go about it? Be patient. Take several months, at least weeks. Self-awareness, imagination, humility, openness, use of conscience. Don't invent, uncover it. Special gifts, unique qualities. Listen within and those who see me. What do I admire about those who inspire me? What contributions are important to me? What growth do I need to make them?

Characteristics of a good mission statement.

1. Timeless. Not goals because they change with time. It is about the things inside me that don't change. Of course, we change and as we better understand ourselves, the statement will change; but, write it as if it is an unchanging truth.
   
2. It should deal with both ends and means. What am I about and what are the principles I use to go about them?
3. It should deal with all four of our needs: Live, love, learn, leave a legacy. Survival of ourselves and what we value; to belong and be accepted, care and be cared, social need; to grow and be useful and told are useful; know that our life matters and make a difference and add value.
4. Implicitly or Explicitly deal with all the roles of my life. Lead a balanced life.

No, no's

1. Don't rush it.
2. Don't announce or install them for an organization.
   
3. Don't ignore it. Act on it. Put where it can be examined and measured against behavior.

To Be

Watching the Last Temptation of Christ. Christ has told Judas he will open his mouth and God will speak. I have logically deduced the truth, but it is so hard to believe. I feel like I should be able to just believe and live accordingly. Living on this earth among others just like me who struggle for peace is blocking me from believing, but it is on this earth where I belong and that which I need to believe can be found no where except on this earth. It is here. Where do I find it? I need to get my head above water and stop drowning in trying to gain the sympathies of others by trying to being ideal. Am I focusing too much on what I need to do to be where I want to be over focusing on what I want to accomplish with my life. Hmm, a mission statement. That sounds like a good idea now. So, then I can always look to what it is a mean for me to be.

Amen.

Always a New Day

It's a new day, it's always a new day. Whatsoever shall I do today. Love, laugh, live, lounge, labor, let it be, lust, look, lie, lose, laud, lift,

Might There Be Too Much Christ in Christianity?

Whatever Happened to Grover

There is love; there is life. That's what there is. I don't know if there really is anything else. All we see and perceive comes from our past. It comes from the preconceptions we have established as we grow up. If I go for a walk, I see a stream. That stream is bubbling blue froth at the seams. It seems as if it is double toil and trouble, seething and frothing and waiting to gain strength to rear up. It seems a frightful thing, but it seems as if the frothiness could be the blue fur of Cookie Monster. I don't think it's Grover. I can see what is black and white as if waiting to be formed into big bulging eyes, but I see no red anywhere about to roll up into a little round nose. It could be as frightening as the Stuff Puff Marshmallow man. To much of anything good thing can never be good. But, what about too much of nothing. Nothing is everything and everything is nothing. Oh, my I'm forcing things too much. I should just keep talking and sighing and writing whatever comes into my mind. Just close my eyes and let it drift, drift on down to the sea shore, drift on down to the snake pit, drift an down and ease on down, ease on down the road. It's such a pretty place the road in autumn, in autumn, in autumn, autumn, autumn. The time of year I most wanted to get to after the long, lonely summer. I was still lonely in the stands with the band all around me. But, at least I was a part of something. A place where I knew that people knew I was there and that I was a part of what was happening. Even though I was separated by my own shyness and fears from others, I had a shallow fulfillment in knowing that those around me were participating in something that included me, that I was a part of that something, that that something was what it was because I was part of it, that what they accepted and that their awareness of that something was something that included me. I don't recall really feeling camaraderie, just that I was part of what made that something something that they were a part of too and that their knowledge of that something was that the something included me. So, round and round I go not really getting there, always circling around the truth that I can't seem to pick out of the air. The reality of everything is just like the air. It's there; you can't see it. It can't move you unless it moves very hard. Sometimes you have controll, sometimes you don't. But, where was I. Was I really anywhere. I see a locomotive coming down the tracks right at me. But, it's a locomotive of the past and seems as unreal as a painted picture on the walls of the Woolaroc museum. I have no fear. It will not harm me. It is only a facsimile of nothing that can harm me. Nothing can harm me, whatever that real me is. My body may perish; my mind may go. But, the real me is forever once it had a beginning. From the moment of conception I began to change the world, the universe, the holy hand grenade? Maybe you could even say that my existence really began with the conception of the thought of me being, the thought of my parents having a child. Of course, that can only be a case by case basis sort of thing because there are many people born without ever having been thought of before they were physically conceived. I think maybe the end of my story is coming 'round as my mind begins to fog, my eyes begin to grow heavier and heavier until the break of dawn. My mind now feels like a lead brick. Just dense and hard without much going in or going out, just suspended waiting to be filled again. Maybe with the actual break of down, it will warm up, ready to begin anew the cycle of life, a life of hopefully bringing peace to all and to all a good night.

Amen.

I Just Don't Know

I really don't know what's going on. If I really understood, then I wouldn't have moments of doubt, times when I'm down and uncertain and feel that I don't have control over my situation in life. I am a fool to ever believe that I understand myself. I believe I understand the universe and what my path through the universe is. I just don't know...

Who Am I

Who am I, or better yet, what am I? I am a spirit of God, no, actually, I am merely a reflection of the spirit of God. I cannot say what that spirit is or what it is made of, what physical properties it has. But, I don't think it has any physical properties or manifestation. It transcends the physical universe. Alas, since my perceptions are all of this physical universe, I cannot perceive or describe with words what the spirit of God is. I can describe the sensations I have when I am aware of that spirit, describe the emotions I experience. There is great peace, great sense of belonging. But, that is even inadequate. The sense is really of being a manifestation of the spirit of God, that God is all things and that that thing or essence that is me is more than just a reflection of all that God is, but it is a manifestation of all that God is. I am all things, I am all people, I am all, I am. That is what I am.

Coming My Way

Once upon a time I wound up in a windmill. It was a tall wind mill that whooshed every time a blade went by as I peered out the window, out the window taking in the deep golden aura of the sun as it set off in the distance sinking into a golden ocean of shimmering water teeming with thousands and thousands of tiny fish swimming around for their lives as schools of giant predator fish swam up from the depths to forage for their nightly meal in the hopes of satiating their hunger. It was hunger that they could not control, barely even knew it was there, just driven by a non-feeling compulsion to swim for the surface for no conscious reason, just swim with gaping open mouths to take in whatever might come their way. Some times life seems like I'm just going along with whatever comes may way.

FB

Facebook is starting to seem pointless and banal to me. What people post are starting to seem irrelevant to me and I hardly see that what I have to say would be relevant to anyone else. I think I've shared all I feel like sharing or have time to share. Maybe there was a friend that I valued sharing with, but that opportunity was exhausted as well. It could be useful to share with someone with whom I have a real relationship on the outside. c'est la vie.

But a Child

I am but a child

A child with much too learn.
A child that refuses to learn.

A child that knows the answers.
A child that doesn't understand.

A child that is nothing without God.
A child that is everything with God.

A child forever more and again.
A child just wanting to be a child.

A child forever in need of mercy.
A child in longing for forgiveness.

A child in peace at home with God,
safe within the love of God.

I am but a child.

Our Sums

There was a boy. Hmmm, I seem to always have that in my brain when I decide to come here and write. There was always a boy, in my head, in the air, everywhere and no where, never ever anywhere. In the nothingness that lies between the particles that make us up is where we really reside, that is where we really exist. All we really are is the sum of the impressions and impacts we have on the things we perceive.