I Can Find Peace in Knowing that I Live to Assist the Needs of Others

So, I've come to believe that no one person's actions are right or wrong. They are just choices they make that support what they value. Their choices may cause harm and suffering among other people, but those are the choices they make and the result is simple just less peace and harmony. Making such choices doesn't make them a bad person or an unworthy person or any less holy than any of the rest of us. They are just choices that cause suffering.

I grew up with a strong sense that I am supposed to behave a certain way because that is the right way to behave. I had a lonely childhood and clung heavily to the right way to be so people wouldn't reject me. I was terrified of being rejected (and to a certain extent, I still am today). This was so much so, that I was terrified to express myself lest that expression be rejected, and so I was very shy.

I have now begun to let go of living to be right to protect myself from rejection and have chosen to live for love because I know that love can bring about the most peace for myself because it brings about peace for others. I firmly believe that this love I am talking about means to have the desire for the needs of others be met. For the past year or so, that is the face I have been putting on. It is a good face, but today I have realized it is just a face. I am glad that I have been behaving in a loving matter, but that is not truly where I am. I seek peace for myself, but I do not have a true sense of desiring that the needs of others be met, at least not in a general sense. I only have the desire when I have made commitments or when a desire of my own is fulfilled by behaving that way.

I do want to be in the place where I desire the needs of others to be met. I believe I only need to choose that path. But, I am away from it and need to find it; I need to constantly remind myself that is where I wish to be. But, I know in my heart that I do not desire that the needs of others be met. If I truly desired it, I would take action to help people have their needs met, and I do not act that way very much. I certainly do not wish that people's needs are not met, but I don't act for them or don't act very strongly. The conclusion is that I am a sinner. Sin is the action of undermining love. I am a sinner because I do not desire that the needs of others are met.

I now feel wounded saying that. But, that is the "devil" inside me wanting me to be what I am supposed to be and not me wanting to be who I am. What am I? I am someone who finds joy when others meet their accomplishments, when I lead them to meet their goals. I can find peace in knowing that I live to assist the needs of others.

Amen.

Things I Like and Dislike

I like music, listening to it and making it, being there when my family needs me, theatre, being involved in the production and seeing it, spiritual philosophy, organizing things. I'm not necessarily good at any of these things, but they float my boat and are apart of what makes me who I am.

I dislike impatient people, though I can be impatient, things that aren't what they seem, the unexpected, surprises, people not understanding me, though I think I could do better in trying to understand others more than trying to be understood.

Mission

I am still grabbing for something that is not there. I am trying to go deep within to find my true nature. But, all I need to do is raise my ahead above the crowd, disconnect and see the universe without myself in it, know that I am distinct from the universe, know that I am free to act independently from the way that I think the universe expects me to act. There is great freedom there, great joy, great passion, great fulfillment, oneness with the universe.

My mission. What is my mission?

From Covey:
Vision & Principle: What am I about? How do I go about it? Be patient. Take several months, at least weeks. Self-awareness, imagination, humility, openness, use of conscience. Don't invent, uncover it. Special gifts, unique qualities. Listen within and those who see me. What do I admire about those who inspire me? What contributions are important to me? What growth do I need to make them?

Characteristics of a good mission statement.

1. Timeless. Not goals because they change with time. It is about the things inside me that don't change. Of course, we change and as we better understand ourselves, the statement will change; but, write it as if it is an unchanging truth.
   
2. It should deal with both ends and means. What am I about and what are the principles I use to go about them?
3. It should deal with all four of our needs: Live, love, learn, leave a legacy. Survival of ourselves and what we value; to belong and be accepted, care and be cared, social need; to grow and be useful and told are useful; know that our life matters and make a difference and add value.
4. Implicitly or Explicitly deal with all the roles of my life. Lead a balanced life.

No, no's

1. Don't rush it.
2. Don't announce or install them for an organization.
   
3. Don't ignore it. Act on it. Put where it can be examined and measured against behavior.

To Be

Watching the Last Temptation of Christ. Christ has told Judas he will open his mouth and God will speak. I have logically deduced the truth, but it is so hard to believe. I feel like I should be able to just believe and live accordingly. Living on this earth among others just like me who struggle for peace is blocking me from believing, but it is on this earth where I belong and that which I need to believe can be found no where except on this earth. It is here. Where do I find it? I need to get my head above water and stop drowning in trying to gain the sympathies of others by trying to being ideal. Am I focusing too much on what I need to do to be where I want to be over focusing on what I want to accomplish with my life. Hmm, a mission statement. That sounds like a good idea now. So, then I can always look to what it is a mean for me to be.

Amen.

Always a New Day

It's a new day, it's always a new day. Whatsoever shall I do today. Love, laugh, live, lounge, labor, let it be, lust, look, lie, lose, laud, lift,

Might There Be Too Much Christ in Christianity?

Whatever Happened to Grover

There is love; there is life. That's what there is. I don't know if there really is anything else. All we see and perceive comes from our past. It comes from the preconceptions we have established as we grow up. If I go for a walk, I see a stream. That stream is bubbling blue froth at the seams. It seems as if it is double toil and trouble, seething and frothing and waiting to gain strength to rear up. It seems a frightful thing, but it seems as if the frothiness could be the blue fur of Cookie Monster. I don't think it's Grover. I can see what is black and white as if waiting to be formed into big bulging eyes, but I see no red anywhere about to roll up into a little round nose. It could be as frightening as the Stuff Puff Marshmallow man. To much of anything good thing can never be good. But, what about too much of nothing. Nothing is everything and everything is nothing. Oh, my I'm forcing things too much. I should just keep talking and sighing and writing whatever comes into my mind. Just close my eyes and let it drift, drift on down to the sea shore, drift on down to the snake pit, drift an down and ease on down, ease on down the road. It's such a pretty place the road in autumn, in autumn, in autumn, autumn, autumn. The time of year I most wanted to get to after the long, lonely summer. I was still lonely in the stands with the band all around me. But, at least I was a part of something. A place where I knew that people knew I was there and that I was a part of what was happening. Even though I was separated by my own shyness and fears from others, I had a shallow fulfillment in knowing that those around me were participating in something that included me, that I was a part of that something, that that something was what it was because I was part of it, that what they accepted and that their awareness of that something was something that included me. I don't recall really feeling camaraderie, just that I was part of what made that something something that they were a part of too and that their knowledge of that something was that the something included me. So, round and round I go not really getting there, always circling around the truth that I can't seem to pick out of the air. The reality of everything is just like the air. It's there; you can't see it. It can't move you unless it moves very hard. Sometimes you have controll, sometimes you don't. But, where was I. Was I really anywhere. I see a locomotive coming down the tracks right at me. But, it's a locomotive of the past and seems as unreal as a painted picture on the walls of the Woolaroc museum. I have no fear. It will not harm me. It is only a facsimile of nothing that can harm me. Nothing can harm me, whatever that real me is. My body may perish; my mind may go. But, the real me is forever once it had a beginning. From the moment of conception I began to change the world, the universe, the holy hand grenade? Maybe you could even say that my existence really began with the conception of the thought of me being, the thought of my parents having a child. Of course, that can only be a case by case basis sort of thing because there are many people born without ever having been thought of before they were physically conceived. I think maybe the end of my story is coming 'round as my mind begins to fog, my eyes begin to grow heavier and heavier until the break of dawn. My mind now feels like a lead brick. Just dense and hard without much going in or going out, just suspended waiting to be filled again. Maybe with the actual break of down, it will warm up, ready to begin anew the cycle of life, a life of hopefully bringing peace to all and to all a good night.

Amen.