Fear

Tonight there's a rain storm outside Well, not really, I just sort of wish there was. The sound of the falling rain is soothing. The thunder and lightening, especially when it crashes loud and sudden, in a weird sort of way, makes me feel more secure inside. When there isn't a storm going on, then being inside is no big deal; it's the same as being outside. But, when it's raging on all around outside, then I feel snug and secure inside. I've never lived through a tornado, so my sense of security inside is complete when the wind is howling, the hail is pounding and the rain is flooding. But, that leads to an aspect of my life that I've never really suffered, never really been traumatized. Life has been gentle to me. I imagine I'm walking down a street on a bright summer day. A car pulls of with a beautiful woman and I decide to go for a ride for her. I know where this is leading and it doesn't bother me at all. The time is some where far away like in a Twilight Zone episode. Everything I'm connected to now doesn't exist or is so unimportant it doesn't bother me to ignore anything that is significant in my life. It's like I'm under spell. Though I'm making a conscious, willing choice, it's as if I have no choice about the choice. Like Captain Kirk and the green Orion slave girl who put a spell on him. So, I'm going with this blonde. It's a like red convertable, Dodge Charger. We're off. I don't where I'm going, but excited at the thought of going some where for a tryst of forbidden sex that I cannot control. But, she turns into a monster. It could only be so. The alure was just a lure. I am blown away from the car far behind and fall on the pavement as the fiend drives away. I am battered and bruised and hurt like hell. But, no worse for the wear. It was all just a joke. Just a play on my senses. Lure with no control of my own to resist, then throw me back as in punishment for unfaithful thought. Not unfaithful to others perse, but unfaithful to my own sense of what is right for myself. Is this just a lesson, a moral play, to teach myself to always be true to myself. But, no, that can't be it because I had no control. Is it to be more steadfast in what I believe so I can have more control when encountering great temptation. Why is there fear? Where is the fear?

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

Maybe the story was because I was titilated by fear. Or am I just rationalizing. There was definitely fear. Fear of being caught in something I wasn't supposed to be doing. Maybe I shouldn't have been afraid even though I was doing something I wasn't supposed to doing. Always be confident about what I believe even if it is wrong. I know what it is. Don't be afraid to do what I think is the thing I should be doing at any given moment. But, to be able to attain that confidence I must know myself well so I can trust myself. I must come to know myself so that I will not be afraid to trust myself.