I know what is right for me, I know what is true for me, and the root of it, at the heart of it, is for the well-being of every every human-being on this planet for their happiness, for their joy, for their fulfillments. My frustration and my anxiety is two-fold, two-pronged. The most fundamental that is driving the deepest seated part of my anxiety is the doubt about what I see about what is right for me because so many people see it differently and with my anxiety also rooted in worry about not being what I'm supposed to be, about not being what is absolutely right, all the people on the opposite side makes me afraid that I am failing, I am short of what I am expected to be, I am failing the judge that decides if I am worthy as a human-being. The other prong what is closer to the surface, to my engagement with the universe around me is I see my truth as an obvious path for happiness and that others choose paths of division, that they don't see what we've been taught. I don't understand the apparent contradiction, what I see as a contradiction between the love of Christ and what it means as as a universal way of being versus the us vs. them mentality. They don't see love of Christ is love of everyone and there's a no distinction between love of family and love of all.

A Break Through

I am afraid of having done the wrong thing, of not doing the right thing, of not being the way I'm supposed to be, of not being able to figure what the right way to be is.  Do I feel like it means I'm a failure as a person if I make the wrong choices? I'm afraid of making choices I think are right that are really wrong and that if I make a wrong choice it is then too late to go back and reverse it meaning that I am not what I should be. It's taken me a long time to decipher and conclude this is a driving force behind my anxieties.

I think I got to a place where I could accept that my decisions are all okay, that there is nothing wrong with them, that they are who I am, and this is okay, it is good. And that has made me happier, but it's really a way of avoiding the fear.

So, there's something there that is a judge of my worthiness that determines if I have acted right or wrong, if I act as I'm supposed to, if I am what I'm supposed to be to be considered acceptable as a person as a human being. Is it a decision of if I go to heaven or hell? This notion is so ingrained in me that I don't accept it explicitly, but rather wholly on an emotional level. I don't want to say it is reality from a rational intellectual regard. I feel aversion to that, like if I tell myself of course that's absurd, but then I overwhelming feel the sense of but what if I'm wrong since it's there so strongly, emotionally. I want the truth to be that it's a fallacy, but I'm afraid of accepting that and it turning out to be false even though there is no concrete evidence. I'm afraid of it turning out to be that I'm not deserving of or worthy of being loved, that I'm not worthy of being accepted by others, that others won't want me to be apart of their lives or that I'm not worthy to be a part of their lives because I'm not who or what I'm supposed to be.

I can see clearly that this is what drove my anxiety in high school and fear of others.