A Break Through

I am afraid of having done the wrong thing, of not doing the right thing, of not being the way I'm supposed to be, of not being able to figure what the right way to be is.  Do I feel like it means I'm a failure as a person if I make the wrong choices? I'm afraid of making choices I think are right that are really wrong and that if I make a wrong choice it is then too late to go back and reverse it meaning that I am not what I should be. It's taken me a long time to decipher and conclude this is a driving force behind my anxieties.

I think I got to a place where I could accept that my decisions are all okay, that there is nothing wrong with them, that they are who I am, and this is okay, it is good. And that has made me happier, but it's really a way of avoiding the fear.

So, there's something there that is a judge of my worthiness that determines if I have acted right or wrong, if I act as I'm supposed to, if I am what I'm supposed to be to be considered acceptable as a person as a human being. Is it a decision of if I go to heaven or hell? This notion is so ingrained in me that I don't accept it explicitly, but rather wholly on an emotional level. I don't want to say it is reality from a rational intellectual regard. I feel aversion to that, like if I tell myself of course that's absurd, but then I overwhelming feel the sense of but what if I'm wrong since it's there so strongly, emotionally. I want the truth to be that it's a fallacy, but I'm afraid of accepting that and it turning out to be false even though there is no concrete evidence. I'm afraid of it turning out to be that I'm not deserving of or worthy of being loved, that I'm not worthy of being accepted by others, that others won't want me to be apart of their lives or that I'm not worthy to be a part of their lives because I'm not who or what I'm supposed to be.

I can see clearly that this is what drove my anxiety in high school and fear of others.